A Small World
"Carson, you don't understand…"
"What is there to understand? That there's a reason for doing this?! You're an idiot!"
"You'll never understand…"
"It doesn't matter if I'll understand! Noah, don't do this! Please!"
"…Carson… we can't talk anymore. We can't be friends."
"You heard me."
"Are you serious? Noah, what the hell is wrong with you? You're leaving me? But you're my best friend."
"Like I said, you don't understand."
"Then explain it to me! Explain to me why, why you're doing this!"
"It's too complicated. Just get out of my sight."
I awoke with a jolt. Wow, what a disturbing dream. I touched my cheek gently as a tear rolled off my face. It had even made me cry in reality. My eyes scanned my living room slowly, settling on a pair of lowered, auburn eyes. Noah. My heart ached as I stared at him. That dream was so realistic.
"Carson," Noah's husky, almost inaudible voice repeated. "How are you feeling?"
I sat up slowly and immediately felt a sharp pain shoot from my back up through my neck. I winced throwing my hands to my head, as if the pressure would help. Gauze was wrapped snug around my skull. What the hell happened?
"Holy shit," I breathed as the pain coursed through me.
"Carson, are you ok?"
Noah jumped up and ran over to the couch, looking at me with worried eyes, his hands ready to catch me. I stared at him in awe. Did he really care that much about me? Ha! No. He was just a caring person. He cared about everyone. There wasn't anything special about me.
"I- I'm fine," I answered, when in reality, my head felt like it'd been smashed in with a
I couldn't remember anything from last night past the taxi ride. My face flushed at the memory of what happened at the club. I ripped my eyes from Noah and planted them on the floor. God damn it. Why was my heart beating so hard? I remembered our fight before he passed out, I remembered dragging him onto the sidewalk outside my apartment, knowing he was too heavy to carry. And then… gah! What else happened? My head pounded as I forced myself to try to remember what had happened past that.
"Noah…" I whispered, my head throbbing in time with my heartbeat. Noah stared at me with raised eyebrows. "Can you tell me something?"
"Yes," He answered, moving toward me. "Anything."
My face reddened as he drew closer. I kept my eyes on the floor, not wanting to look him in the eyes.
"W- What happened after the party? I- I don't remember."
"Well I was out cold for most of it. But when I woke up, we were in your living room. I was lying against the wall. The first thing I noticed was Kieran and Amir crowding the couch. I started panicking when I noticed they were bandaging your head." Noah exhaled, he seemed incredibly strained. I wanted to do something for him, to calm him down. I didn't know what though.
"They told me you hit your head really hard against the step of the apartment. They said it was because I fell against you. You pulled me away from Amir. They said you looked scared, you were trying to protect me..."
I looked down, confusion overtaking my thoughts. Why would I do that? What would I be scared of? Ugh! This was all so confusing! I looked up at Noah, his eyes low and desolate. Why was he so upset? I wanted to cheer him up but I didn't know what would make him happy.
He looked up at me, staring into my large, grey eyes.
"I-I don't want you to be upset about this. I'm fine aren't I?"
"It's not that. I'm glad you're ok. I just wish I could've protected you when really I'm the whole reason you got hurt."
My heart skipped a beat and my face burnt a bright crimson. Stop, Noah. Stop doing this to me. It's not right. Why do I feel like you're leading me on? Why do I want you to? Maybe I really am gay. I need to stop psyching myself out. I need to stop running from the truth. I've never been so attracted to someone in my life. These foreign feelings developed once I met you. Wow. So this is what 'realizing' is. Damn, Noah. I guess I could say, you've "stolen my heart," But that would be way too cheesy.
"Um, Carson," Noah's voice broke the silence as he sat there, his eyes awkwardly perusing the room. "Why are you staring at me like that?"
I tilted my head to the side, looking up at him.
"What do you mean?" I asked him, truly confused.
"You were looking at me… oddly."
"Like, really odd."
"Hm… weird. Was it like scary odd?"
"No, Carson. Like... cute odd."
My face flushed.
"Y- Yeah let's change the subject."
"There's food on the table, over there." Noah pointed to a plate of sushi and rice placed on the center table. I smiled brightly, crawling over and stuffing my face, gleefully.
I ate while the brunette sat there, staring off into space. It was dead silent, apart from
my chewing. I needed to say something.
I glanced over at the silent brunette, he seemed bored.
"So was it like confused cute or what?"
I giggled, stuffing another sushi roll in my mouth.
"Sorry, I'm just curious!"
Noah held a displeased look on his face, crossing his arms.
"Pffff. And you call me the grouch ass."
Noah's glare softened as I pushed the plate away, suddenly not hungry anymore.
"Look, I'm sorry," He whispered. "I'm just… I wish I could tell you."
I stared at him, clouded with puzzlement.
"Why can't you?"
"You wouldn't understand…"